VIVA VIAGRA . . .

by Bill Schroeder

Have you seen the commercial of a man’s band; guitar, drums, banjos, etc.? They are playing, singing happily and in general acting silly about Viagra? Saying– Viva Viagra.

Ain’t gonna happen, never will . . .

I’ll tell you what a guy may be thinking. Of course based not on personal experience, but what other fellows have told me in confidence. Usually they aren’t going to join a band and sing about ED and they aren’t going to share this fact with friend or foe, not with co-worker or neighbor.

They are mad as hell and say to themselves, I’m too young (at any age), They don’t want to discuss it with a doctor, nor minister and usually are not all that keen in admitting it to the wife or woman friend.

Man, he’s use to being macho about his tool. Its always worked well and by and large (hopefully) when and as much as he desired, alone or with a female of the species. He would walk proud knowing he carried in his pants something unique. Many women wanted it and other put up with it.

Soooo short, robust, tall or slim, this unique appendage, this hidden gem, this charms, this MOJO, yea baby yea as Mike Myers says in his films as Austin Powers, is your finest pride as a real man.

So how do we (I mean those guys) handle it whenever it -(ED)- takes over lives. Perhaps try raiding the little woman spray can of starch. Won’t work I tell you, that is I doubt it would? Implant, hell no! Encase it in a concrete shell or perhaps use of a wooden splint would help. Better think again unless your woman gets off on splinters.

Take Viagra and chance a severe drop in blood pressure, even death or worse yet an erection that may last 4 hrs or longer. Now that I am sure can be a horror story. Say for instance here it is summer, 90% humidity, 92 degree Fahrenheit and you have a Pri-a-prism ( an erection that lasts more than four hours.) Why can’t they refine Viagra and have it last say five maybe 10, 20 or 30 minutes even, if we can send a man to the moon? Anyhow, now you have this situation, this problem? How do you get unnoticed out of the house, into your car and to the doctor’s office without someone, anyone noticing something different about you?

This may sound funny, but to whom I ask? I’m not saying it’s a problem for me, of course not, it’s the other guy and doubtless a very large percent will have to deal with Ed. No one will have to refer to me as Mr. ED because I’m still the proud owner of a straight shooter and not a wilting lily.

Remember guys when you use to be able to put a smile on your partner’s face, sometimes for days. Now it’s she telling you, don’t worry baby it’s not that important. Not to whom just! Wimpy, Wimpy, is that what is going on in her head. Is she willing, really, to write off the big “O.?”

All of a sudden you hear a lot of talk about how cool Tom Cruise is or that your neighbor really looks buff. Does the Mrs., live in girl friend or fiances start to dress with a little less cover and acts more suave way fair, goes to the beauty shop more and has a girls night out or even two? It’s she now who comes home late, perhaps. A little tipsy and smelling of strong drink and the truth is not in her.

And just what did you do, alone, those women’s night out evenings. You sorry bastard, scouring the internet for enhancements.
Pro-vo-gro, top rated and natural. Sounds as if it should work. It states 99.5% out of 100% effective and only $99.00 for two pills and it’s noted to be different from all… those others, because it just works, helping nerve pulses in the brain, spinal column and around the corpora cavernosa which must all be sequentially connects to allow for, and so on———–. I’ve heard from other men and I say save your money on all that junk. Don’t believe me if you want to embarrass yourself and go into deep debt for a medicine cabinet full of potions, naturals, snake oils, rubs; well you know what I’m saying.

I’m telling you men it’s just not right, not fair and we’ve got to take action and say, I‘m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. Open the windows and scream I’m mad as hell and am not going to take it anymore so the whole world will know Viva Viagra is a false Savior.

In ending, I can say I am ABNORMAL and can engage in genital union or if you will, coital entrance as any normal primate, for as long as my partner wants. That is just for clarification least you think otherwise. And when, if ever, the day comes that Mr. Ed arrives at my door, I have this plan!

THE END

Bill Schroeder is retired and writes poetry and short fiction and is therefore able to lie, exaggerate and relate half truths. His writing may stimulate, depress or horrify a reader; sometimes even causing a laugh at the human condition. Doubtless veracity is not one of his unvarnished qualities.